It's Christmas

and I'm very much in love.

More filling in of the past will come later.

But for right now that's all that's important.

It's Christmas and I'm in love.

She's magnificent. And really, that's all that matters.

xox

Dear Blog.

..Just writing to let you know I've been thinking of you.

I know we don't spend as much time together as we used to, but I've been so busy. I know that's what you're here for. To share things with, to hear about my day, and all my thoughts, but sometimes I just want to forget about the day and sleep. I get so wrapped up in my life sometimes I have no time for you. In fact, I wonder if really you're just a product of my self indulgence. I know at the beginning we seemed like such a good idea, but now I'm finding less and less time for you. Don't worry though. I'm not giving up on us. You've been there for me for years, and some time apart will only make my next post more exciting.

Anyway, just to say some interesting things have been going on with me, I got contact lenses, an unconditional offer from Royal Holloway, which I'm very happy about, and new shoe laces (which i'm also very happy about, and in many ways were a more pressing concern than university places).

I've been working tons, and finding no time to revise. =[
But I've been earning lots =], meaning I have money to buy people Christmas presents =].
I have a really bad pain in the top of my right foot when I walk for more than 10 minutes, which I think is just a certain pair of shoes, but i'm worried it's a damaged tendon or something. It's quite uncomfortable. I'm almost definite it's the shoes though.

I've been trying to not let my jealousy get the better of me lately, and enjoying simple acts of friendship. Catching up and chatting. It's nice to know there's so many people I can turn to, even when I just want to know they're their, so if anything big came along, I wouldn't be alone.

I had an amazing weekend at Siobhan's. I'm so so in love. And that's scary, blog. But it's true. There's no way out without heartbreak. So here's hoping there's no leaving at all. Loving being all swept up in the whole thing.

Anyway.I really should sleep now, it being half 2 and all. Work tomorrow.
I'm not cheating on you, but i have been checking out tumblr. It  looks arty. You'll always be here for me though, fulfilling my base needs of rant and ramble.

You're a good friend blog. And although your spelling is sometimes awful, we have Rob, so that's ok.

Speak soon.
xxx

lulz.

Some paper tissue stuuuuff

Poetry too

Continuation from last blog. Poetry this time though.

'The day they make me gorgeous,
I want to just hang around.
Like a ceiling fan mounted upside down,
I'll only have 3 settings,
and all of them will seem to suck air out of the room'
-Gorgeous- Rives

'And then I'll whisper: "Hey.
The yonder is just as wild and blue
as people say it is today.
And you can't see,
but honestly I love you. I love you.
And I'm gonna keep you mine
like a crow loved to hold
an old telephone line, remember those?"

And you'll say:
"What, crows?"

And I'll go:
"Noo--telephone lines!
Remember? Back in the days
when the bedding was yours
but the bed was mine.
You remember that, Sunshine?'
-Glaucoma-Rives

'I wrote:
Just so you know--

My weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks.
I've nailed some milestones, but I've made mistakes,
Cuz I got more faults than a map of California earthquakes.

I am taking a nap beneath your covers.
Wake me if you like me.
Wake me if you want me
Wake me if you need another poem.

Your once and future lover
has made himself at home. '
-Kite-Rives

'I remember the first time
you named me "Good morning."

And how, the night before,
you considered my ceiling,
where the passing cars outside
cast their shadows and liquid lights
through the slats of my blinds.

You said: "Hey Romeo--
your CD player is skipping again...
but your ceiling's like fireworks for poor folks!"
And I liked that.

And I like your theory,
that men and womens shirts button on opposite sides,
So couples can get dressed facing each other.'
'Compliment-Rives

'And i swear to God,
If I could swear to God,
I'd ask her what the fuck she was thinking,
When she gave us free will,
cause we done fuck things up.

I stood in front of a mirror,
until my pupils became pupils,
and i could teach myself to live a better life.'
-Flashy Words-Shihan

'If there is any time you can't find me,
Don't worry,
I'm probably hiding out somewhere counting my blessings,
mumbling something about sunshine,
wondering how much love i could live in a life time.

We live a love that God would envy,
And for her i would carry the cross for my own crucifixion,
If it would make her have more faith in me,
And i would hang from that cross,
And you could pierce my side with a spear,
And i would just bleed more reason to love her,
And i could die on that cross,
And you could bury me in a tomb,
And i would rise at the 23rd hour,
Just to show i couldn't go a day without her.

I would go toe to toe with eternity,
For the rights to her next life time,
Cause i was the only one made for her'
-In Response-Shihan

'I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are,
The lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love you as long as I'd like to.

I fantasize about stepping out on a green light,
Just dying to get hit by a car,
Just so I could lose my memory,
Be transported to a third world country for treatment,
somehow fall in love with you all over again in another language,
just to see if it feels the same type love'
-This type of love-Shihan

'Who was king James?,
And why did he feel it was so vital,
To remove chapters and make his own version of the Bible.
They say Hell is underground Heaven is in the sky,
They say that's where you go when you die,
But how do they know?'
-Talib Kweli

"England, you have been here too long,
And the songs you sing are the songs you sung
On a braver day. Now they are wrong."
-Voices Against England in the Night, Stevie Smith

'Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes ,
Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.  '
-Anthem for Doomed Youth-Wilfred Owen

'With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.'
-For the fallen-Laurence Binyon

'If any question why we died,
Tell them because our fathers lied.'
-Common Form-Rudyard Kipling

'Yet portion of that unknown plain
  Will Hodge forever be;
His homely Northern breast and brain
  Grow to some Southern tree,
And strange-eyed constellation reign
  His stars eternally. '
-Drummer Hodge-Thomas Hardy

'If you're a mathematician then it's simple,
You count how many steps it takes for her to come upstairs to bed,

Count how many times your eye goes to the door when you're expecting her home,
When she says 'how much do you love me?',
Be able to answer her back to the decmial point.
Calculate the area of a heart using imaginary numbers,
And explain how a muscle the size of two fists,

Can expand itself wide enough to hold fast the heavens,
devise a formula for love,
Whereby the weight of your devotion squared,
Times the amount of times you have kissed along her spine,
While she is asleep,
Is equal to all the happily ever afters in then world.
And I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn't a mathematician'
-Steve Connell

'He told me,
I'm not allowed to get angry,
because I'm white, I'm a male, I'm sraight,..'
-Death From Below-Dan Sully & Tim Strattford

Ok, i've spent forever trying to get rid of the gaps..and i can't..sorry.

xx

Wow flashbacks.

Today I got up early (half 9!) and started almost proper revision.

Anyway. I just logged onto myspace after months and months. And read very old messages, which are ofc very strange, but nostalgic and lovely anyway. Thought'd i'd just copy over the favourite lyrics and poetry lists from my old blog. The reason for this is mainly to make it easily accessible for me. These are by no means still my favourite, nor are they complete, as they were simply what I could think of at the time (years ago).

Ben Folds Lyrics

"well, he shouted out his last word
and he stumbled through the yard
and she shattered her last china plate
and spun off in the car
when he lunged onto the hood
she stopped to tell him she'd been wrong
he was thrown head over heels
into the traffic coming on
but then...
all is fair
all is fair in love

well, I guess she made her way
through the mob too late to hear him say
that he'd gotten all he'd wanted
a crowd to watch him bear the pain "

  - 'Fair'

"come on baby,
now throw me a right to the chin
don't just stare like you never cared
I know you did
but you just smile
like a bank teller
blankly telling me:
"have a nice life"

come on baby, 
now throw me a right to the chin
just one sign that could show me
that you give a shit
but you just smile, politely
and I grow weaker and I

said what you wanted to hear
and what I
wanted to say
so, I
will take it back "

- 'Selfless, Cold and Composed

"do you not hear me anymore?
I know it's not your thing to care
I know it's cool to be so bored
sucks me in when you're aloof
it sucks me in, it sucks, it works
I guess it's cool to be alone
will ya never rest?
fighting the battle of who could care less
everyday you wake up late
sometimes I wish I was
that way

and I've got
this great idea
why don't we pitch it to the Franklin fuckin' Mint?
fine pewter portraits of
General Apathy and
Major Boredom singing
whatever and ever amen "

- 'Whatever and Ever, Amen'

"Smile
Like you've got nothing to prove
No matter what you might do
There's always someone out there cooler than you

I know that's hard to believe
But there are people you meet
They're into something that is too big to be
Expressed
Through their clothes
And they'll put up with all the poses you throw
And you won't
Even know 

That they're not sizing you up
They know your mom fucked you up
Or maybe let you watch too much TV

But they'll still look in your eyes
To find the human inside
You know there's always something in there to see "

 - 'There's always someone cooler than you'

"'cause lately I can feel
the years between us
and hope to God
that friends at work don't see us
tonight she asked me
if I'd ever seen Jesus
'cause she had backstage passes
for the three of us "

- 'Hiro's song'

"Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's "bye-bye. Goodbye, I tried"
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
I had to leave myself behind
And I've been flying high all night
So come pick me up
I've landed "

- 'Landed'

There's a moment in my mind
I scribbled and erased a thousand times
Like a letter never written or sent
These conversations with the dead
I used to be a sentimental guy
Now I'm haunted by the left unsaid
I never thought so much could change 

"Little things you said or did
Are part of me
Come out from time to time
Though probably no one I know now
Would notice
But I never thought so much could change "

- 'Sentimental Guy'

"We walked the earth
We talked and never spoke a word
She wonders who will be the first to go
I said you know
The biggest things we gotta face alone
Don't wanna when it's time to go
Alone
Alone again

A trace of me
That floats in my periphery
And every time I turn to see
It goes
Alone
Alone again "

- 'Prison Food'


" The world is full of ugly things that you can't change,
Pretend it's not that way.
It's my idea of faith."
-Alice Childress

"At puberty I was sworn to secrecy
By the international brotherhood
Of lying fickle males
I can't tell you anything
And I can't commit! "
-In Love

Favourite other lyrics

"Crack raised the murder rate in DC and Maryland
we invested in that it's like we got Merril-Lynched,
and we been hangin from the same tree ever since,"

-Kanye West

"But in a land where niggas praise Yukon's and gettin paid,
Gon' take a lot more than coupons to get us saved"

-Kanye West

" Went to the malls and I balled too hard,
''OMG is that a black card?'',
I turned around and replied "why yes,
but I prefer the term African-American express"
-Last Call, Kanye West

"Killin y'all niggas on that lyrical shit,
mayonnaise coloured Benz,
I push miracle whips"
-Last Call, Kanye West

"I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me"

        'For you to notice'-Dashboard Confessional

"Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark "

  'I will follow you into the dark'-Death Cab For Cutie

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home "

  'Such Great Heights'-The Postal Service

"She smiled in a big way,
the way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers and she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway
down by the shore in the lazy summer
And she pulled you in,
and she bit your lip,
and she made you hers,
She looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"

  'Dusk and Summer'-Dashboard Confessional

"I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...I'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'

And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits...you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight? "

  'As Lovers Go'-Dashboard Confessional

"And if I say to you tomorrow. Take my hand, child, come with me.
It's to a castle I will take you, where what's to be, they say will be.

And if you say to me tomorrow, oh what fun it all would be.
Then what's to stop us, pretty baby. But What Is And What Should Never Be.

So if you wake up with the sunrise, and all your dreams are still as new,
And happiness is what you need so bad, girl, the answer lies with you. "

 -What is and what should never be-Led Zeppelin

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am "

-iris, Goo Goo Dolls

'I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends
And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again
And I've got arrogance down to a science

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone'
 -I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me-Fall Out Boy

''Cause every pain of glass
That your pebbles tap
Negates the pains I went through
To avoid you
And every little pat
On the shoulder for attention fails to mention
I still hate you

She took me down and said:
"Boys like you are overrated,
So save your breath."
Loaded words and loaded friends
Are loaded guns, to our heads

You want apologies
Girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
The only thing you'll get
Is this curse on your lips:
"I hope they taste of me forever."'
-Chicago is so two years ago-Fall Out Boy

'We cant fake it for the airwaves force our smiles, baby, half dead
From comparing myself to everyone else around me. 

Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense.
Blame everyone but me for this mess
And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart
We never seemed so far.
I'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough '
-I've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth- Fall Out Boy

'Every friend we ever had in common
I will sever the tie with you
You can thank your lucky stars
That everything I wish for
Will never come true'
-Sending postcards from a plane crash-Fall Out Boy

'Ashamed of the way
The songs and the words own
the beating of our hearts'
-Sophmore slump or Comeback of the year-Fall Out Boy

'I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this'
-Paramore

'Got no future plans,
I've got dirty hands,
I've had some bad relationships
And one night stands,
But i know its gonna make me a better man
Because of it,
If there's a god,
Then he knows that I've commited sins,
I've played the game,
And I dont always win,
But no body does.
No body does'
-Second,Minute,hour-Flamboyant Bella

xxx

Just a few from Paper Tissue..

'Ah the dangerous flame of understated liberalism disguised as ironic racism..or as I like to call it: the white man's burden' - Daniel Kitson, Lol

xxx

ShoreditchSoiree

Last night I was immersed in the London Indie scene.

One of my brother's friends work for a kind of arty/studenty film magazine called 'little white lies'. They had a Christmas party thing (with absolutely no reference to this holiday season, HEATHENS). It was at the legion in Shoreditch (notoriously trendy).

So, we turned up, and it was a pretty cool. Just a bar with a little dancefloor at the end. They were projecting graphics from the magazine onto a screen, and the dj played some amazing hiphop for the first hour and a bit, but then it went all 80s and a bit lame.

Anyway. Both Nick and I were standing in blazers. Chatting. Drinking beer. Surrounding us in all directions was a sea of plaid shirts (done up to the top, Jack Penate style), high tops, 80s patterned leggings, addidas, .. all drinking cocktails. We didn't know anyone, apart from nick's mate who we chatted to for a while. Felt so uncool.

Anyway apart from not knowing anyone, expensive drinks, and the 'free gifts' being copies of the magazine, it was a good night. Nick and I spent most of the night talking like pretentious indie twats..cause..if you're in the main stream you're not in the culture prism, ..my band..sur culture tambourine man..we do robot political sound demonstrations..in many ways it's the newest frontier..

All in all a good night though. only got 4 hours sleep last night oddly, then went into school for revision.

Anyway, apart form that I've not been up to much except missing my girlfriend a lot. Saw her in London on Wednesday for a few hours, we walked around the south bank, got soaked jumping over puddles, had dinner and coffee, and ended up walking over the bridge by the london eye. London can be a pretty place.

xxx

A day I'd like to remember.

Today I went up to town for 12, having only been out of bed for an hour or so when I got there.

I met Rob and we embarked on an entirely hetero, but possibly metro, bromance of a day.

We got coffee, caught up, shopped, got lunch, and just generally chatted. I know he reads this, so Rob, I enjoyed your company today. Thank you.

Tomorrow I get to get up, go into London, and spend a hopefully glorious, and hopelessly cute evening with my girlfriend.

Here's hoping for no arguments, warmth, hugs and no rain.

Writing a lot atm. I think i'm improving. I'm trying.

xxx